What do you think, how can we make or spoil the relationship?
We have complicated chemistry inside us and I know you all know the reasons, don’t you?
Let me tell you a time, it’s my birthday and he is out shopping, at the store, he has no clue what he needs to buy for me and wondering ” what should he buy”?
Assuming if he doesn’t buy anything for me, I will be angry at the same time if he buys the wrong things, I will be angrier! And She always assumes that I don’t care about her needs,
I don’t think about her and I am selfishly only thinking of myself.
She judged me to be selfish, uncaring, and thoughtless and I judged her as overly emotional and irrational.
To an extent that, this emotional drama will break the relationship.
And here we wonder what shall we do?
What would you do?
It’s so difficult to understand whats going on? And there is no help available to bring us out from these assumptions.
These assumptions have caused lots of confusion and challenges in the past as these have been obstructing the decision making for him about our relationship
And this continues in all my life and journey …….
And here I am in the grey sky of LONDON in January 2013, wearing my black coat, feeling depressed, hearing the lecture of my coach for the very first time who is talking about emotions and as he is talking, my eyes are already wet and he is asking the questions “ who is responsible for the thoughts and now I am shocked.
No one giving me these thoughts, all I can think, is created by me, as all my assumptions are my creation.
I have been assuming all this shit and making it so difficult for us.
At the same time, I am at home in Luton waiting for her, preparing food and trying to manage the house for the whole day, on that day, I realized how much work she has to do at home and at the office. Why have I always been assumed as if she’s not contributing enough? how wrong, I am having this assumption in my mind.
Now, I know what I don’t need to do, but more I think about not doing it I do it the more and more I’m not doing it more it’s happening. What’s that happening with me?
The question is how I don’t do it? To find the answer to this, I need to know more.
I am not having enough understanding of not doing it until I realize that it’s only my responsibility for the change.
This is the time when I and him have to do it after investing in few sessions, we now transformed our negative thoughts to the choices and now we know, how those assumptions are destroying us, they have been eating up all our resources pulling us down, putting us into a fight, all the time.
This has been an amazing journey to put together the steps of how do you do this, and we are sharing it with you today.
- Maybe you or someone you know, having fight over the restaurant you been to for the quality of the food and ambience as if its all your fault because you choose to go there and then this disagreement turned into the massive disruptive event for your relationship that by the morning none of you want to see his face.
- Potentially you or someone you know assumes that the dress you liked will also be liked by your partner
- Perhaps like other couples, you’re also assuming that the life will always be lavish like the honeymoon phase
- Maybe you’re assuming the worst i.e. your partner is cheating on you because he has not replied back to your text in last 3 hours
- Perhaps you’re assuming the best like you feel something is wrong because he is being too nice with you
- Maybe you or someone you know is assuming that it’s obvious that I am unavailable to this party yet you didn’t consider my availability
- Maybe you’re assuming that your partner is not helping you in the kitchen so it’s all your job!
So the question is “Do we really come into a relationship with so many assumptions”?
We’re sure that you’re pondering right now on this question and the bitter truth is “YES, we do” and none of us can really deny the existence of assumptions that we’ll do in our life.
Have you ever wondered where these assumptions come from?
These assumptions come from our experiences and the level of communication we had earlier in our relations. There have been some things happening to others that you observed and assumed for your own relations and those shaped your reality while some are results of your own beliefs.
These assumptions are directly related to what we project onto others.
Assumptions, projections, and judgments are where the fights begin in any relationship. Sometimes these assumptions are enforced by the media as well with our 5 senses. So What can be done?
As now you know and you run away from these assumptions, you’ll find yourself indulged into much bigger conflicts.
The ideal is to proactively examine the extent and nature of the assumptions we always do in our relations and use this IPC protocol to find deeper into the assumptions of your relationship. Here:
- I stands for Intention i.e. What is the intent of others saying or responding in the communications?
- P stands for possibility i.e. to find What could be the different meaning of this conversation?
- C stands for the communication i.e. what has been communicated actually? Are you only focusing on a part of the communication?
To drill down further on Intention
- Describe the behavior, just the actual specific behavior: “When you . . .” (for example, “When he went to the store and bought or didn’t bought anything for you”)
- Identify your emotional feelings: “I felt . . .” (only the core emotions of angry, hurt, sad, scared, lonely, jealous, or shame)
- Identify your assumptions: “I assumed that he. . .” (“he didn’t care about me”)
- State your judgments: “The judgment I made about you was . . . (“he is selfish”)
To drill down further on Possibility
- What question would provide more useful information to clarify this assumption: “I assumed that . . . Is that true?” (“I assumed that he doesn’t care about me. Do you care about me?”)
- Find out possibility about what we need from ourself in order to handle a similar situation in a healthy way (“I need to check out my assumptions before acting on them.”)
To drill down further on Communication
- Communicate about what he would like from the other person, knowing that he may or may not get it (“I would like him to buy food for both of us or a surprise gift when he go to the store.”)
- Communicate your intention to create closeness with your partner (“I would like to open my heart to you and have a conversation about what happened.”)
- Acceptance with the statement if you say so ….. we will do that so mean we should and repeat the statement
In the end, the meaning of communication is the response you get so choose wisely and check what are you assuming in the relationship?
If you really want to change your relationships into a healthy communication style, here is a practice all women should do must share your outcome with us.
So feel free to share your feedback, question, and concerns.
And see you soon.
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